Monday, February 20, 2017

An Indenial Truth

Today has been the day for me to change what I have always believed in. As I was sitting alone in the MRT heading to work this morning, I closed my eyes and think about all the people that has hurt me, wound me and caused me an eternal pain and scars thats as deep as the ocean and I've realised that I'm so much better than any of them. I've made a vow to myself to be stronger and to not let these people bring me down. The pain doesn't necessarily comes from words. It may come in different form of actions. I am of the opinion that having someone who had walked away from your life without any explanation would be the most cruel act anyone could have ever done. In fact, I initially thought that it means nothing. But the truth is, the moment you're on your bed, waiting for the clock to strike 10pm for you to get ready for bed and work the next day, you realised that its not always fairytale and sunshines. Your heart will ache and you'll ended up wanting the things that you wish you can have, the people you wish to be with and the smile and romance that every girl dream of... which all leads to tears till you reach Dreamland.

I came across this really interesting article that totally describes how a girl actually feels, no matter how strong she looks physically, theres always a story behind it. Have fun reading. 

"She can get through anything. Heartbreak. Ended friendships. Dysfunctional family fights.
Whenever the world hurts her, she fakes a smile and keeps on going as if nothing happened. As if she’s perfectly fine. As if her heart is unbreakable.
She looks strong. But she doesn’t feel strong. She feels like she’s living a lie, like everyone gives her more credit than she deserves.
After all, everybody only thinks she’s strong, because they see a single side of her. They see her during the day, when she has enough energy to pretend. But they don’t see her at night, alone in her bedroom, when she’s too tired to outrun her problems.
She never lets anyone catch her when she’s vulnerable.
When she has the urge to cry, she pushes the tears away until she has a chance to escape to the bathroom to let the water flow. When she’s upset, she’ll make up an excuse to cancel her plans, so no one realizes that she’s acting off. And when she has a mental breakdown, she doesn’t text her friends about it or post a Facebook status. She suffers in silence.
She doesn’t see the point in sharing her misery. Her friends consider her the funny one. The bubbly one. The problem solver. They come to her with their issues. They expect her to know what to do. They expect her to have her shit together.
So she nods and offers consolation when they complain about their near-perfect lives, even though she wants to scream that they don’t know what real problems are. That she’s dealing with something a million times worse.
But she doesn’t let herself explode. She listens. She understands. She tries to be a good friend.
And when she’s in public, when people are around, it’s not all that hard to put her problems aside. She’s gotten used to it.
But the second she gets in her car, the second she’s out of view of the rest of the world, all of her problems come crashing down around her.
She hates long drives alone in the car, just as much as she hates midnight thoughts. She hates being stuck in her own mind — because it’s a dangerous place.
It’s a place where she’s convinced she’s behind in life. She’s unsuccessful. She’s ugly. She’s stupid. She’s going to die alone. She’s going to die without fulfilling any of her dreams.
Even though she looks strong, even though she isstrong, her fears won’t leave her alone. They follow her home every night, into her bedroom, into her dreams.
And they make her feel small. Worthless. Useless.
She hates that the rest of the world sees her as one thing, as a beautiful independent woman, while she sees herself as something else entirely. As a fake.
She doesn’t realize that she’s as strong as iron, because she keeps going. She’s strong, because she still has hope. She’s strong, because she’s capable of smiling through the pain.
She’s strong, because she’s still alive, even though she’s witnessed how cruel this world can be."
[Courtesy from http://thoughtcatalog.com/holly-riordan/2017/02/this-is-why-such-strong-girls-feel-so-broken-inside/]

Saturday, July 16, 2016

A Way to Move On


*On Repeat*


Another shot of whiskey please bartender

Keep it coming 'til I don't remember at all
How bad it hurts when you're gone (no, no, no, no)

Turn the music up a little bit louder

Just gotta get past the midnight hour (uh, huh)
Maybe tomorrow it won't be this hard

Who am I kidding?

I know what I'm missing

Oh, I had my heart set on you

But nothing else hurts like you do
Who knew that love was so cruel (yeah, yeah, yeah)
And I waited and waited so long
For someone who'll never come home
It's my fault to think you'll be true (yeah, yeah)
I'm just a fool
(Yeah)

[Blake Shelton]

I say that I don't care and walk away, whatever
And I tell myself we were bad together (uh, huh)
But that's just me trying to move on without you

But who am I kidding?

I know what I'm missing

I, I had my heart set on you

But nothing else hurts like you do
Who knew that love was so cruel (yeah, yeah, yeah)
And I waited and waited so long
For someone who'll never come home
It's my fault to think you'll be true (yeah, yeah)
I'm just a fool

For holding onto something that's

Never ever gonna come back
I can't accept that it's lost

I should've let it go

Held my tongue
Kept my big mouth shut
'Cause now everything is just wrong, wrong, wrong

I'm just a fool

A fool for you
I'm just a fool

I, I had my heart set on you (uh)

But nothing else hurts like you do
Who knew that love was so cruel (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I waited and waited so long
For someone who'll never come home
It's my fault to think you'll be true (yeah, yeah)
I'm just a fool
I'm just a fool
I'm just a fool

It's my fault to think you'll be true (yeah, yeah, yeah)

I'm just a fool

Friday, March 4, 2016

Dealing Away


When you're abroad, it makes you wonder how things are going on back home. Everyone sees what they want to see and everyone thinks what they want to think but the truth is only you will know what's going on in the inside. When loneliness kicks in or when you tend to think something absurd or even when you just want to miss someone who may never even think of you. 

I still remember how it was my first month here and I received a phone call from home at 10pm in London,  telling me that my mum has been admitted in the emergency ward. Trust me, I went speechless. I couldn't think, I couldn't imagine, I couldn't even stand. The feeling of not being able to help someone you love, to help someone you care, that feeling hurts. I was hopeless. I felt useless. I felt the need of doing something. I was at the verge of falling and then I suddenly experience a raise in my heart. My heart beats fast and all I could think was getting a flight ticket back home. I went online and search for the next flight to head back. While I was trying to key in my card number, I suddenly feel the urge of calling home again. They said that mum will be alright and ask me to just sleep and not to worry. Question is, HOW CAN YOU NOT WORRY? It's your mum. Throughout my life, all I could think of is to be there for my mum whenever I can, but now, I couldn't even if I want to. So I went to bed, praying that everything will be alright. 

Of course, there are so many things I have learnt from that situation. Firstly, the need to trust. Doesn't matter who, it could be the people back home or just the neighbors or your friends telling you that everything's going to be alright. The thought of you think you can do better than them should be gone by now. There are people out there that you can rely on, you just gotta put your trust in them. They will be able to do the things that you can't do when you're abroad. All you gotta do is pray that things will be alright, eventually it will. If it doesn't, then only you step in and think whats the best thing to do. 

Secondly, the need to let go. You just have to let go. No matter what, letting go is NEVER an easy thing to do. The need to let go of the anxiety, the anxiousness, the feeling of hopeless and useless. Its the fact that you can't do much there other then to let those people do what they can or able to do there. It will take time but you'll get there.

Thirdly, the need to hope. That one word just sum up everything. Hope. When there's hope, theres always a dream and when there's dream, there's always a possibility of making it come true. With prayers and faith, hope means everything. 

So with that, you know what you gotta do. :)

Friday, February 26, 2016

For you to know


 Dear IBA, 

Sometimes someone
comes into your life
that changes everything.
Raises the standards,
makes you laugh,
makes you cry,
and makes you feel like you.

That someone
sees a better version of you,
cook for you,
be there for you,
just to put
a smile on your face,
even for a few hours.

There is something about him
that you can't put into words.
You know what
your heart wants.
If only he knows.
He may not know,
or he chooses to ignore it,
and even though 
you're not with him,
maybe not now, maybe ever,
you don't want to let him go.

Saturday, January 16, 2016

the Pain that Stays


Every girl has that one person that she truly loves. Let's put yourself in the girl's situation: Either it was in the past or in a relationship that you're with or probably the man you'll never gets. It's always that one person that plays an important part of your life, that one man that can never be replace, even if the man is not meant to be for you. If you look at it in the aspect where you never get the man that you truly loves, it will take a lot of effort to move on and imagine after moving on, you still either caught up with the image of the guy or you tend to find a guy that has an idea of the guy that you used to love. So is it a rebound or just by coincidence? 

No matter how far you are, that person will stay with you. The thought of him used to always put a smile on your face, that one person who cares of you (even if he only shows up every month or once a year), the idea of him being the spontaneous person and the fact that he will always be there for you, always. Hang on, it should be 'he used to be there for you, always.' After months or years, you finally have the courage to move on, to live your life without him around. Sounds easy doesn't it? You keep telling yourself that he is not important anymore, you keep telling yourself that you're in a relationship with this man that you really love or you're married to the love of your life but the truth is, have you really move on?

Being caught in the past hurts but its even worse when the pain of losing the man that used to play an important role in your life will be there with you forever. The pain of losing him to someone else, to another woman, to another person that he cares now. It's not you anymore.. It makes you wonder if he still thinks of you occasionally or one day you'll meet and he'll ignore you? You hope that he says hi and love sparks again but reality kicks in. Does this mean that he moves on? Does this mean that he doesn't care about you anymore and you're someone in the past? 

Do you have that one person you care about that you know you wanna be with but it's just not meant to be? What do you wanna say to that person if you see him again?

So many questions left unanswered. So many wonders and so many tears trickled. Heart left unhealed and pain stays.

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

A great 2015 - Moving on to 2016!



Alhamdulillah. One of the best years of my life goes to 2015! Achievements unlocked, established career, new friendships made, found love and happiness and having the best time of my life.

I started off 2015 by working as a full-time lawyer and a part time lecturer. Ever since I started volunteering for TUNZA in 2006, I always have a passion for children and the environment, I always wanna try to make a difference to the world, to Malaysia especially. Alhamdulillah, mid-2015, I received the most wonderful news at work, I managed to secure the Chevening scholarship, a UK Government scholarship to pursue my Masters. I found out that I am the first female law student from UiTM to secure this prestigious scholarship - mission accomplished! 

19th September 2015 marked my farewell to Malaysia.. Family, friends and loved ones came to the airport to send me off.. It was one of the memorable day ever. I even had my (ex)bosses to send me off!! How blessed am I? 

I made so many friends that become family here in London. Chevening has made my dream come true. It's like my Brunei life all over again, friends from Malaysia and all around the world. All praise to Allah! Special thanks to the alumnus and seniors, Noris, Afif, Qi Wen, Kak Maizan and Kak Fatin for your endless guidance and support before and until I am here! Alhamdulillah, Allah sent me the beautiful angels to help to ease my journey here.  

Being here for 4 months has been a tough, challenging yet exciting adventure. I've learnt to cook so many dishes, I've learnt to be independent and to accept every mistake as a lesson in life and to be more optimistic about my failure. If there's one thing I will tell people out there what I have learn in 2015, is to NEVER GIVE UP because NOTHING WORTH HAVING COMES EASY. 

Hence 2015,

two years of practicing lawyer
one year of part-time lecturer
secure Chevening Scholarship (UK Government Scholarship)
enrolled to top 100 university in the world
Met friends from around the world
pursuing my dream of doing Masters in Human Rights Law

Alhamdulillah 2015 is a year to be grateful for. 2016 is the year where I need to work extra hard to ensure that I get this Masters with a passing grade, to make sure that every prayers and support counts! Lets do this! Please don't stop praying for my health, success and wellbeing here. :) Thank you.

NuffNang